“ You feed them”

The term “giving back” has been ingrained in me over the course of an adventurous,perilous life. In order to give something back one must have been given a lot or taken too much. In my case, I was definitely given so much grace and love from Christ that my reserves are ripe and full. Ready to dish out. Some days I ask God who would even want some of what I have.

Luke 9:10-17 NIV - Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand - When ...

Similar to the hungry 5000 mentioned in the Gospels, I consider a large crowd of hungry ones daily. Each of them with their own types of hungers and thirsts. Mostly, I wonder if my food is even enticing enough for any. My bread certainly wasn't baked in fancy ovens.

I tapped quickly into alcohol after bouts with a new diagnosis of anxiety disorder and the feelings associated with it in my late teens. The myriads of doctors I saw dished out Valium like Tic Tacs and when they ran out, I found the government corporate LCBO had an easily accessible alternative. In my twenties, alcohol was dampening my inhibitions enough to allow my wandering mind away from God to feel out the drug scene. A mixture of opiates and cocaine seemed to suit my fancy. I went through the textbook testimony of the loss story that comes with this territory. Me, being a full deal go-getter did everything to 110%. I tried detox, prisons, divorce, adultery, hospitals with overdose, job loss, mortgage foreclosures alike. I ended up losing my children and eventually in a coma after brain surgery only to wake up and do it all again.

Lost in the struggle and chained to the raft floating on a stormy Bermuda Triangle of life. On my last legs I stumbled into the downtown Toronto crack houses and homeless shelters. I spent months of my life and thousands of my dollars investigating this crack war zone of Toronto. I met numerous fellow smokers, dealers from all over, boosters, hustlers, fencers, street workers and more. I knew the scene intimately. God reached his concern and loving fatherly hand down many times and pulled me from the certain peril that awaited me.

Colossians 1:13-14 New International Version (NIV)

13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

It made many wonder how I was still alive. Before being robbed, stabbed and killed many times I was shaken awake and somehow walked safely out of dangerous.

1. Luke 4:30-32 King James Version (KJV)

30 But he passing through the midst of them went his way,

Today, I sit in my apartment clean, sober, and healthy while working away at my journals. I wonder how to give back and who to give to. Some time ago, I thought it an normality to be grateful and feel loved because God saved me from such a life. I was convinced that the reason for him doing so was to elect me to be a missionary to the underbelly of Toronto's evil drug culture. To proselytize the pagans so to speak. Volunteer work with the Salvation Army and other Outreach venues seem to fit in with God's will for me as I orchestrated it. It all seemed frustrating and fearful to me at times. Going back to the scene of the crime. Heading downtown into the lair of deceit each day to only be reminded of the grim life endured by all involved. It all got to be too much for me eventually. It was all baking, working in the bakery daily with the heat of it all.Today I wonder if I was really saved from my selfish lifestyle for myself. Was my help enabling others to experience the same lifestyle that almost killed me? Certainly Christ loves the addicts suffering, but what about dealers profiting? Are they not tax collectors as was Matthew? Even further, what about those who don't seem hungry. The wealthy Methadone peddling doctors, inexperienced social workers. Do I feed them too? The non drug addicted who perceive themselves as people of the good Society, focusing on their own addictions while labeling others.

James 3:17-18 King James Version (KJV)

17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.

18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

Why wouldn’t I give back, make amends to those who loved, prayed and mourned for me while I was in this predicament instead of those who didn't notice. Friends, family, children loved ones all mending their hearts and sadly shaking their heads over their loss. Who would be the ones to mourn over the phone call or the knock at the door saying that I was gone. Are these not the people who deserve the attention and love? The Disciples of Christ's day faced a similar dilemma to mine.

Luke 9:12-20 New International Version (NIV)

12 Late in the afternoon the Twelve came to him and said, “Send the crowd away so they can go to the surrounding villages and countryside and find food and lodging, because we are in a remote place here.”

13 He replied, “You give them something to eat.”

They answered, “We have only five loaves of bread and two fish—unless we go and buy food for all this crowd.” 14 (About five thousand men were there.)

In our Lord's midst, were his disciples with similar backgrounds and baking experience to mine. Matthew the tax collector, Simon Peter, the one who fearfully blurted out “go away from me Lord for I am a sinful man”. Thomas who doubted Christ and Judas who thought he needed 30 pieces of silver more than his own life. Yes I'm grateful that our wonderful and caring Heavenly Father spared me from the fate I certainly deserved but the whys and what do I do nows are still there. Not understanding God's will is what I do best and I'm glad for it. If I understood God's will it would be mine and it was my will and doing it that got me into the predicament I mentioned earlier. We all have five thousand hungry people in our lives. We all specialize in a different type of cuisine to suit the hunger's of all who come to us. Christ is the ultimate baker of the bread of life. Today I'm happy that my oven is overflowing with the bounty I was given and I'm here to give back to every person I find in need. Be it a bagel to the broken in spirit,a croissant to the crafty, or the whole loaf to the war-torn.

Thank you Lord that you’ve filled me up enough to give back with pure love. My basket overflows..

Psalms 23:5 “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.”